Harold Buhrandt‎ to Offended Democrats Of America     A report from the Cautious Optimism

Democrats Provide Access to Ukraine Gate Whistleblower

On Thursday morning, after a series of contentious interactions with their Republican counterparts, Democratic congressional leaders provided access to the “whistleblower” who is at the heart of the Trump impeachment inquiry.

“This is all about transparency and providing our Republican counterparts with access to the ‘whistleblower,” noted Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

“After discussing the matter at length with my fellow democratic representatives, we felt this forum would provide the best opportunity for the American people to hear directly from the ‘whistleblower’ as to the ‘high crimes and misdemeanors’ of President Trump,” continued Pelosi.

After several tense moments, the long-unidentified whistleblower took the podium accompanied by House Intelligence Chair, Representative Adam Schiff as the crowd “hung” on to his words.

“Hiya, hiya, boys and girls,” began the whistleblower as he described his “insider knowledge” of the alleged quid pro quo scheme involving President Trump and Ukrainian officials.

“My name is ‘Mr. Schiffie’ and I’m here to tell you all that Orangeman did some ‘bad things,” continued Mr. Schiffie.

At three feet, six inches tall, it was noted that ‘Mr. Schiffie” wore identical clothing to that worn by Representative Schiff, but on a much smaller scale.

In order for the attendees to view Mr. Schiffie properly, Representative Schiff held Mr. Schiffie aloft throughout the proceedings and even put his right hand in the back of Mr. Schiffie’s shirt to provide additional support and guidance as Mr. Schiffie carefully detailed each of Trump’s transgressions.

“President Trump is a bad man and he needs to be impeached…a lot,” finished Mr. Schiffie to thunderous applause of the Democratic attendees.

Given the opportunity to cross examine Mr. Schiffie, Representative Jim Jordan, the ranking member of the House Oversight Committee, asked Mr. Schiffie if there had been any contact with Representative Schiff’s office prior to filing the whistleblower complaint.

After waiting several moments for Representative Schiff to finish drinking a glass of water, Mr. Schiffie replied, “no, no, no, boys and girls.”

“That would be bad, so we didn’t have any contact whatsoever,” finished Mr. Schiffie as Representative Schiff’s lips barely quivered.

“Well, that’s all I needed to hear,” finished Speaker Pelosi as she prepared for a house vote on proceeding with the impeachment.

At the end of the forum, as Representative Schiff carefully folded Mr. Schiffie back into a storage trunk, it was noted that Mr. Schiffie would again be available for the
impeachment trial as well as be made available upon request for children’s birthday parties, bar mitzvahs and any holiday events.